Driving in India: How does it, if at all, work?

This post is, ostensibly, for those from India, who embark on journeys to foreign lands. Upon returning to India a few years hence, they are shocked by the chaos on roads. Foremost among the things that strike to the mind is, "How the hell did I ever survive here?" (along with "Oh my God! This is the end"). When I first sat in a car in India, after a two year gap, I thought I had steeled myself for the furor, mentally pish-toshing those "NRIs" who seem to have forgotten their younger days when they used to take these daily jaunts in their stride, some even enjoying them. As if to put me in my place for my holier than thou attitude, a teenager (who apparently had his unique way of dealing with adolescence) on a cycle made a suicidal pass across the car, and I ripped into the seat with my nails. He survived; neither my nails nor the leather upholstery did.

Maybe it was then; in an epiphanic moment, if you will, I comprehended the different traffic system existing in India. Here are a few basic insights which may or may not alleviate any confusion that may or may not exist.

• Lanes are imaginary. The only reason lines have been drawn is to improve the otherwise dreary monotony of the tar macadam road. People drive where they will. Remember, this includes the section of the road "supposedly" reserved for the traffic coming from the opposite direction. Yellow lines, white lines, dashed lines all serve a purely decorative purpose.
  
• Rear view mirrors are there for a variety of reasons including check your hair, makeup, the girl you just passed by, so on and so forth. But what it is not for; is to check traffic coming behind you.
  
• Since there are no lanes, changing lanes etiquette is an urban legend the traffic police have instigated. You need not look behind you or in the rear view mirror (which as you know by now is for other uses) if you are planning on traveling in the lateral direction. Proceed at speed of your liking and the instant you need to. It is fault of the fool behind you if a collision occurs immediately thereafter. He has to communicate his proximity by adequately using the horn; which takes us to our next point quite nicely.
  
• The horn. If you have it, use it. Do not be alarmed or annoyed if the person behind you is honking incessantly even though you are going at an appropriate speed and not blocking his/her way. Know that it is just a means of communication. You honk just for the sake of it. It is not out of place to see people honking at potholes and speed breakers. The point of it would truly be beyond comprehension, i.e. if there were a point to it in the first place.
  
• Animal factor X: As if there wasn't enough excitement, we have animals added to the mix, to spice things up further.
  
  • Dogs: Now dogs are of two kinds. The first one is the run of the mill kind which you need to treat the same as any other nuisance which will attempt to cross the road right in front of you. The second kind is a terror onto the two wheeler riders. It will watch you carefully as you arrive from far; bare its teeth as you come closer and start chasing you barking its head of as you pass by. The nastier ones tend go for your shin. Ask my aunt; she vouches from experience.
    
  • Cows/Buffaloes: Contrary to what anybody says, I think they rule the road if only because they are unfazed by the situation, no matter what. I recall this incident, vividly, when traveling in a bus, a buffalo on the road side decided to cross. It took one long look at us; turned its head, looked hard at a bus coming from the other direction and sauntered onto the middle of the road. The squeal of the brakes from the 30 ton buses was heard a few villages away as they ground to a complete stop to let the buffalo pass.
    
  • Chicken: A frequent casualty on the Indian roads. You might as well ask the anecdotal question, "Why then, did the chicken cross the road?" even though both you and the chicken know how perilous the journey can be. Only because the chicken is deliberately made to cross it. What kind of demented mind, you then ask, would do such a horrific thing? The answer to that, my dear reader, is the Chicken Mafia. Yes, yes… The chickens are deliberately set across the road especially when an unwary motor-cyclist, happily chirping away on his mobile, is a few yards away. The acumen behind the business model is only apparent when the hapless chicken is run over by the slightly less hapless motorist. The unfortunate bloke is given, to all appearances, numerous options, but with only one way out. Either be escorted to the police station, or pay Rs. 2000 for the dead chicken, or return the dead chicken as it was prior to meeting its maker. And then there is always the underlying threat of getting beaten up by an ever ready mob. The entrepreneurial Indian who invented this scheme is, no doubt, a multi-millionaire and the prime supplier of the accidental chicken.
    
• Perhaps one of the most, for the lack of a better word, cavalier attitude towards life among humans is encountered in the average Indian pedestrian. The absolute need to either cross the road, walk on the road or just make his presence felt is just a touch greater than fear of death. It is either that or a sheer sense of misplaced entitlement on the ownership of the road.
  
• Spittoon: The Shakespearean quote
  

  "All the world's a stage,
  And all the men and women merely players:
  They have their exits and their entrances;
  And one man in his time plays many parts"
  

  Has been taken to heart by millions of Indians, albeit, with a few alterations of their own.
  

  "All the world's a spittoon,
  And all the men and women merely part of:
  They can spit or be spit upon;
  And one man in his time spits on many"
  

  So, in other words, everything is fair game. Major sources of peril to get spit upon are when you are passing moving vehicles. Take buses as examples. On an average, 150 people, 40 windows. You do the math.
  

• Ram Bharose Overtaking Tactic: So called because of the complete faith in his maker the driver has. Getting stuck behind a slower vehicle is a powerful irritant to many of us; more so, on a single lane road. Visibility of approaching vehicles on straight stretch imparts enough sense to stay safely in our lane. Upon approaching a bend in the road, though, we seize our opportunity and gun the accelerator, shifting on to the oncoming traffic lane and power ahead, putting our trust in the God. Additional help in divine intervention is also received from the fervent prayers of fellow passengers. This move has also been called the Ostrich Driving Maneuver for the obvious reason that the driver thinks there is no oncoming traffic because he cannot see any.
  

If Indians are not renowned for their sense of adventurism or a penchant for extreme sports, it is only because we get our kicks and adrenalin fixes coming home from work. Not a lot of Indians have been intrepid explorers, and you may never hear about that daring Indian ice climber who climbed the north face of Everest blindfolded without oxygen, but you will have heard of the jackass on his motorbike who tried to wiggle his way through 5 ft space between two buses going at 60kph or of this guy.