A Wodehousian Diwali

A habitual indolent day at the Drones club was in full swing. Apart from a few snores, the most rigorous activity consisted of men moving their hands to turn the pages of the newspaper over or to blow out a puff of smoke from the pipes left hanging in their mouth. In utter contrast to the tone, an Egg was animatedly discussing his recent exploits spent in search of the ever elusive Whippoorwill in the Scottish marshes to a Crumpet, who, had the polite look of feigned interest carefully arranged on his face. At this moment in came a Pieface, burnt brown by the sun.

'What ho!'

'What ho! What ho!' said the Egg.

'Uh, hullo! Where have you been?' asked the Crumpet.

'India'

'India?'

'Ah! Yes'

'So how's your blood? Filled with malaria, eh?'

'Quite the contrary'

The Egg & the Crumpet raised their eyebrows a fraction.

'What do you mean? The malaria in India is filled with your blood?'

'Oh no! I'm fit as a fiddle'.

'As the fiddle Mr. Wheatherbartometer possess or as the one Mr. Lockslehall owns?'

'The one with Mr. W.' assured the Pieface.

'Excellent because, although Mr. Lockslehall doesn't know of it, the wood in his fiddle is of inferior quality'

'Quite right you are! He was swindled by the fiddle maker in Estonbury'

'Exactly'

'How's good old India?' enquired the Egg.

'Fine and all that!' said the Pieface, 'Did you know they have celebration similar to Guy Fawkes Day in India?'

'You certainly don't mean the one wherein they have fireworks'

'I certainly do mean the one wherein they have fireworks!' explained the Pieface.

'Well, old chap, you know how it is, people copy the English everywhere', said the Egg puffing up.

'No, no, my dear Egg, this one originated eons ago'

'Really?'

'Really!'

'Like when?'

'Like when the chaps back home had started to lay out the blueprint of Stonehenge'

'!'

'!!'

'It's called Diwali over there'

'Why?'

'Why not?'

'Ah! Point well taken, do you know how it came about?'

'Certainly, old chap, it's an interesting story.'

'What's the story?' asked the Crumpet.

'You might as well ask.'

'I do ask.'

'Ah!'

It's like this (said the Pieface) there was this king who had two wives and was slightly off the rocker.

'With two wives what else can you expect!' exclaimed the Crumpet.

'The 2nd wife, now, was something in the order of Desiree' Menswear and she made the king throw out his son, the heir to the throne, so that her son could become the king.'

'Was she redheaded?' asked the Crumpet.

'What difference does that make?'

'It's generally the redheads who create all the trouble.' replied the Crumpet.

'She probably was. The trouble with the story is that it isn't properly documented.'

'They probably didn't know redheads spell disaster.'

'Eh? I thought redheads spelt r-e-d-h-e-a-d-s.' said the astonished Egg, his foundations in English shaken all at once.

'I meant figuratively.'

'Ah!' smiled the Egg, seeing the light.

'Anyways, the king sent his eldest son, Ram, out on exile for 14 years' continued the Pieface.

'Are we talking of goats here, what?'

'Eh, what?'

'The king's son was a ram?'

'No, no, you silly old goose, that's his name!'

'Ah!' said the Egg, the mist clearing.

'Where was he exiled to?' asked the Crumpet.

'The forest'

'The forest?'

'The forest!'

'What luck!'

'No such thing for the poor chap,' said the Pieface despondently, 'His wife & brother tagged along.'

'You don't say!'

'I do say!'

'My heart bleeds for him' said an aggrieved Crumpet

'Absolutely'

'But you know it was alright,' said the Pieface, 'since it was sort of a prolonged hunting expedition, what with bows and arrows.'

'Hunting dogs too?'

'They used monkeys'

'Monkeys!'

'Monkeys; the monkeys threw coconuts on the target from high above in the trees.'

'A novel idea I would like to say'

'And I would agree if you said that'

'Well, whatever works for them'

'My thoughts concur'

'But you know it is old chap, good things never last' said the Pieface philosophically.

'Hear! Hear!' (The Crumpet)

'You mean they had to go back home?'(The Egg)

'No, this is where the ruffian comes in.'

'Just like movies, eh?'

'Just like the movies!'

'So, this blackguard, chap called Ravan, sees Ram's wife and thinks, "Why not carry her off?"'

'And?'

'He carries her off'

'What luck!'

'Yes, Ram finds out his wife's been abducted and his happiness knew no bounds.'

'And he lives happily ever after?'

'No, after a time period 't' Ram realized that it was a matter of honor to get his wife back'

The Egg and Crumpet nodded solemnly, being English gentlemen they knew all there was to know about honor and damsels in distress.

'And with a heavy heart he set out, with his battalion of monkeys.'

'This is an enthralling story, what?' commented the Egg.

'Much more so than those blasted whippoorwill's of yours,' snorted the Crumpet.

The look the Egg gave the Crumpet would have shriveled the best of flowers high in their bloom, but the Crumpet being a Crumpet and all that, remained unaffected.

'Well, to cut the long story short, Ram went to this chap, Ravan's, lair, bashed him like any of you would to a fly bothering you and won his wife back.'

'Hurray! Hurray!'

'Ditto! Ditto!'

The Egg and Crumpet beamed as like a couple of 7 year olds who have just been told thier favorite bedtime story.

'And then?' asked the Egg, eagerly.

'What then?'

'Yes, Yes, what then?'

'Well after much deliberation they found out that the 14 years they had to spend in exile had terminated and they could return back to the pavilion,' said the Pieface.

'Timely, eh!'

'Precisely'

'And so they went back home and the people to celebrate Ram's return lit lights and had fireworks.'

'Ooooooo! Isn't that lovely, what?'

'Absolutely.'

'And that my dear friends, is how Diwali started.'

Saying thus the P. moved to a corner of the Drones club for a drink and a light.

Before the E. could start again on his Scottish exploits the C. slithered towards the door and was out, quicker than E. (or for that matter anyone) could say arzanbulbul.

Primer to the world cup teams - Part 2

Continuing on from last time...

The Netherlands:

After being taken to the cleaners by Sri Lanka (to a tune of 443 runs), the Netherlands now wish to make this seemingly iron clad record of being the team to leak most number of runs in an ODI even more secure in their upcoming group matches against Australia and South Africa. South Africans are clearly anticipating this clash, hoping they can be the first team to reach 500 in an ODI and so are the Dutch, hoping that they can be the first team to concede 500 runs in an ODI. The only concern for the team is their match against Australia. With the Aussies not wanting to any score runs and the Dutch wanting to give away runs, this match can become quite a quagmire.

New Zealand:

No team is as desperate to play in the world cup as the Kiwis. Just see what players are willing to do. Talk about permanently removing body parts if it can get them into the team, is not off the charts. You have to ask how far this madness will go. Where will they stop? Hamish Marshall has finally cut his hair, Fleming has trimmed his nails to mere nothings, to save him the agony of chewing them in tense situations and Vettori has finally gotten rid of that appendix which wasn’t bothering him one bit. This is a far cry from Indian team, where, Ganguly refused to shave his chest, citing that it offered if extra protection in the rib cage area. A team with such dedication surely will go a long way.

Pakistan:

The Pakistani squad is feeling smug at the moment. They have performed, what they believe, is a completely mindboggling deception. Pulling wool over the eyes of the cricketing world, if you will. You are, no wonder, bewildered at this moment, trying hard to figure out what the deception might be. See… that kind of proves how good they are. The official reason given by PCB over the exclusions of Shoaib Akthar and Mohammed Asif from the team is that they are injured. The unofficial theory going around is that PCB did not want to risk another drug test on these players, hence the exclusion. What really is the reason is that the management preemptively excluded their top two pace bowlers based on what happened in the previous edition of the world cup. That was when Sachin Tendulkar effectively ended the cricketing careers of two of the arguably greatest swing bolwers, Wasim and Waqar. So, this time around, they are not taking any chances. No sir, no way. This way they have a sporting chance at the Cup. It is rumored that whenever the drug theory or the injury excuse is overheard by any of the PCB members, they silently rub their hands in glee, or, if they are in the company of each other winks and pats on the back are not out of order.

Scotland:

Favorites to win the tournament. The Scots, descendants and followers of the Robert Bruce school of thought, look poised to win this tournament. They are supremely confident of their forthcoming success. Even history beckons them, or so they say. They actually believe they would have won the previous world cup, if they had qualified, as it was the eight world cup. When asked how that matters, they tell you, over a glass of finest Scotch Whiskey, that that was exactly the number of times Robert Bruce, took to win against the Brits. But it is of no matter, this team, is one ahead of the old king. They will win it on the 9^th attempt, no matter if they did not qualify on seven of those occasions.

South Africa:

A.k.a the Chokers. In the lead up to the world cup matches they played excellent cricket to grab # 1 ranking from Australia. Why they did this? So that they can be the top ranked team and choke again in the tournament, keeping up with an age old tradition. According to a news report, their training schedule includes a choking session involved, where the players are required to choke on objects like apples, bails and golf balls.

Sri Lanka:

Remember 1996 World Cup? Remember the Sri Lankans then? More specifically, remember the way Sri Lankan openers, Jayasuriya, in particular, dismantled the opposition bowlers with their blitzkrieg batting technique? Now that everyone else has caught on, the Lankans have invented a new method to befuddle the opposition. They call it the reverse technique. This does not mean that will go super slow and not score any runs. That would be a useless philosophy. What they intend on doing is, to get their bowlers bowling wides. Eventually, the batsmen will get frustrated and chase a wide one, only to nick it to the keeper or the slip cordon. Some of you might be quick to point out the foolishness of the strategy, but then so did some back in 1996, when they said it was vital to conserve wickets in the beginning. As you can see, they were the ones who ate their words in the end. If they win the world cup, Sri Lanka will dedicate the victory to Shewag, the champion in nicking wide balls.

West Indies:

Brian Lara, one West Indian and cricket’s greatest players, will be playing his last world cup. Over the last 10 years a West Indian victory has become synonymous with a hefty Lara contribution. As a tribute to Lara for single handedly carrying the West Indian team all these years, the rest of the team has decided not to perform at the world cup and let Lara have his swansong. So, Lara will attempt to be the first man (Sachin Tendulkar came pretty close last time) to win a World Cup.

Zimbabwe:

Zimbabwe Cricket Union’s ulterior motive is to fast track themselves into becoming an associate member of the ICC. Apparently, the ZCU’s board whimsical notion is that being an associate member is a more lucrative prospect. The ZCU, therefore, has been kicking out all the talented players and have suspended themselves from playing tests, which the ICC had refused to do. They (ICC) were too smart to take the bait. Hence, it is in the best interests of the Zimbabwe’s players to perform miserably against test playing nations and unleashing their true potential in the match against Ireland.

Primer to the world cup teams - Part 1

With the cricket world cup just around the corner it is time to see how each team is shaping up what are their prospects.

Australia:

Defending champions and successive cup holders are theoretically in to win it for a third time in a row. But lately, they have been troubled by pangs of guilty consciousness which has arisen from winning a huge number of matches, disproportionately greater than the wins of other teams. It is a worldwide phenomenon known as the Warren Buffet syndrome. To reach a balance, the team has been losing matches on quite a generous basis, recent examples being the CB series against England and the Chappell-Hadlee series against NZ. This has been achieved through a series of implementations. Some players have voluntarily retired (unlike the Indian team, where nobody leaves until he is kicked out by a mule), others decided not to play a few matches and where as a few have reset benefactor standards by picking up injuries. All these factors lead to believe that this will not be Australia’s world cup to win; rather, it will be theirs to give away. In a recent interview, their captain Ricky Ponting, inadvertently confirmed this.

Bangladesh:

Bangladesh’s goal for every world cup is to beat a test playing nation. In 1999, they beat Pakistan and in 2003, they were on course to beat West Indies but even the best laid plans in cricket can be thwarted by the ominous weather gods. So this year, their goal is to make up for lost time and beat both India and Sri Lanka in the group stages. Whether they do it or not is another question, since the other supposedly “minnows” in the group Bermuda learned of their plans and the Governor of Bermuda made a special request to the Bangladesh Cricket Board to lose to the Indians in their first match. The reasoning behind this is that, if the Indians lose their first match to Bangladesh, a billion souls in India will go on a rampage, which will then force the Indians, if they ever wish to back home, to win their second match against the Bermudans. Rumor has it that the Bangladesh Cricket Board and the players have been offered a packaged vacation in Bermuda two years running upon the completion of this deal.

Bermuda:

Bermuda’s entry into the world cup for the first time provides the fans a possibility to view one of the greatest matches of all time: Bermuda vs. India, Saturday March 17^th 2007. Don’t you dare to miss it! No, and not because it is going to be lop sided (Come on, give the Indian side some credit here), but only because it is going to be the most keenly contested match in the whole tournament. A humdinger, if you must know. Besides their side deal with Bangladesh, Bermuda has another little secret up its sleeve. Actually, calling it a little secret would be an outright lie. Have a look for yourself, at the earth shaking equipment, if there ever was one. The plan is to produce tremors as the bowler ambles up to deliver the ball, thus disorienting the batsmen effectively, and inducing him to play down the wrong line.

Canada:

Contenders for the runner up spot. Don’t ask how or don’t ask why but mark my words and mark them well, even though they might eventually turn out untrue, this team will be one of the finalists of the tournament!

England:

Oh the English! What is there to say? The English preparations for the world are going on just fine. Their excuse list is almost finalized. The Barmy Army has already booked their tickets. The team is making up their injury list (you know, the one where they decide who needs to be conveniently injured before which match), so that the blame is spread around evenly. Did I mention about that excuse list. And then, there are lists for players from opponents team on the lines of that infamous list used in the Ashes series. All in all, everything is fine and dandy.

India:

Winning or losing is not in the hands of the Indian cricket team. Everything rests on the public. If the public are complacent, the team is complacent. In view of what happened at the last world cup, the public are already gearing up for this year’s world cup by stocking up on paint, effigies of all the 15 players, coach and selectors, ample supply of kerosene, match sticks and lighters. A motivating factor for the public has been the recent interview given by Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar and Saurav Ganguly wherein they all chided the Indian so called “fans” for not being concerned enough after they lost a single match against Sri Lanka. “Where were the protest marches?” asked Dravid while Ganguly concern was why no one had painted his house?

Ireland:

The Irish plans for a successful world cup campaign do not include either winning the tournament, advancing to the next stage, winning at least one match or even playing half decently. Quite frankly, the only reason they are even here is because they are bored stiff drinking Guinness day after day, night after night. For a change of scene, they are coming down to Jamaica to party on Rum. They even threatened to pull out of the tour when they realized that there was a possibility that their league matches were going to be scheduled in St. Lucia. It was only after the organizers allayed their fears that they committed to touring. Expect them to party before, after and even during the match. This way, they say, there are no losers.

Kenya:

Remember the statement, “Expecting the unexpected makes the unexpected become expected”. The Kenyan team’s motto to the tee. Back in 1996 when they debuted no one expected them to go anywhere, but they beat the Windies and, as they would like to believe, started the downward trend in West Indian cricket. In the 1999 edition, they did not even win a single match when they were expected to ruffle a few feathers. Then came the killer punch, in 2003, they made it to the semi finals when no one expected them to even reach the super six stage. So what this time around, you ask? Well, if you expect them to win a few matches, they will lose. On the other hand if you expect them to lose, they are bound to win. Tricky, especially for Mohammad Azaruddin and those interested in horse racing.

And coming shortly, in the sequel, the rest of the teams, including favorites to win... Scotland